Aftermath

Navigating thru the aftermath of putting up boundaries with an addict that you love is hell. You know for your own peace you had to make a line in the sand. Everyone in your life tells you that, friends, co workers, counselors, al a non, articles you read, etc. But the days, weeks, months and years that follow are the hell that carry on. The guilt, the loneliness, the grieving of what could have been. The fighting to find your self respect after it’s been torn down by the roller coaster of addiction. The waking up in a fright because you have had yet another dream of them overdosing. The daily occurrences of reminders of them and the places you went, the places you laughed. Not everyday was horrific, not every interaction was painful, in those memories are the seeds of grief that grow into the pain at times that can overrun your heart. The thoughts in your head that scream what more could I have done? The accusations that come from them feeling like they have been abandoned. The truth is very real to each of you. The addicts truth is real to them and the non addicts truth is real to them. They both feel abandoned and not loved. They both feel betrayal, they both feel a sense of hopelessness. They both feel shame and embarrassment. They both feel discouragement and overwhelm. Both are grieving and the divide grows and hearts are never the same. It is a very difficult place to be on either side. I have experienced this place more times than I can count for my whole life with multiple relationships. Beginning with my parents, and it continued from there. Friends, husbands, children, children in law. Many people say things like why let it bother you so much? Your better off without them in your life. You did the right thing. You should be better now. Now your life can improve. What are so sad you were miserable with them in your life. All these things may be true, but the process to break the hope that you had within your heart becomes unbearable at times. I have had to release and hold the addicts in my life accountable for their actions to preserve and protect my heart and health. But it is not an easy process and the grief is so real. I call it living grief, it is a type of grief that doesn’t move thru and release as it does when someone is dead physically. The continued effects of the pain and turmoil linger on and demand to be heard. This can take many forms, physical ailments, emotional distress, sleep issues, PTSD just to name a few. This is why it is so important to implement self care. To honor your feelings and pain.to release the overflow of emotions and thoughts that threaten to overwhelm you. Your feelings are valid and important. The addicts feelings are important too. The truth is both people need to do their own healing. Healing from these things is messy and it is uglier at times. It is a deep process and it is full of self respect and honor. Most of the time when we have been in an addiction based relationship, respect and honor is not attributes that were part of it. So finding the respect and honor for yourself is a process that can feel very foreign and wrong. But I can tell you it is absolutely essential. It is the healing balm that will begin to turn your heart toward yourself. It is the foundation of emotional healing and release of the tons of baggage that has weighed you down. If you have been in an addictive relationship and are trying to or already have made a line in the sand that great. Allow yourself the freedom to feel the pain. To acknowledge the truth. To release the emotion. Grieving has anger, depression, denial, acceptance and bargaining. All of them are needed to navigate and essential for healing. If you are on this journey, take one step at a time and be patient with yourself. Don’t criticize yourself and reach out to others that are or have been on this journey. You can find yourself respect and love again under the pain.