Boundaries

Boundaries, oh the joy, pain, fear and freedom. Alot of us have a problem with boundaries. Setting boundaries is hard for those of us who have been trained to go with the flow. For those of us who have come from abusive or addictive environments personal boundaries were not an option. For those of us who really become unraveled during confrontation boundaries is a scary place. We feel we are keeping the peace, safety and looking for a way out to safety. When we are not allowed to have our own personal boundaries because of others behavior we suffer in a variety of ways. Reclaiming the ability or sometimes for the first time finding the ability to choose our own boundaries can feel like betrayal. Betrayal to those around us, betrayal for all we have been conditioned to learn. Betrayal to our belief systems. I understand this well. Being raised around addiction and abuse I didn’t have boundaries. I was raised to be seen and not heard. Do what your told and don’t question anything. If I was uncomfortable in a situation I was forced to comply anyway. If I didn’t I would have consequences of pain emotional and physical. I was taught that if I complied to what was expected of me I would receive some form of love or food or shelter. Peace and safety was not something I experienced very often. The little crumbs of love and acceptance I received kept me going little by little. The feeling of being treated like a yo yo was an everyday thing. This kept me wanting more and trying at any cost to receive the love and protection I so desperately was longing for. This continued long into my adulthood and the people in my life followed the same patterns I had been raised with. People being emotionally unavailable and physically unsafe. I remember in my 20’s talking with a counselor and being told I was codependent. I read the very popular book co dependent no more. I went to groups I continued counseling. I tried to bring boundaries into my world. The rejection and shame I received removed the “work” I was trying to do. I went thru many more years of trying different techniques, counseling, self help books and people telling me that I was the problem. A cycle that never seemed to end ensued for many years. As my family grew and then I was experiencing the same behaviors from those closest to me I began to crack. I developed health problems, bleeding internally, fibro, migraines, depression, insomnia and many other issues. Many times the confusion and pain I felt was so overwhelming I became absorbed in and by it. This didn’t just effect my physical health but my mental, spiritual and financial well being. Of course with the decline of all these areas in my life I continued down a road of shame and despair. The problems became worse and I didn’t understand why. If I was “doing” the things the experts were telling me why was I not receiving love, protection, safety, peace and prosperity. Well in my life it all began to change when I finally realized I needed to look within and love myself. To honor my own thoughts and desires, to make decisions based on what my higher self was telling me. Loving myself and taking steps to be protective of my heart has been a process to be sure. I didn’t feel worthy of love, I hadn’t earned it, just look around me I would say. I started doing mirror work, speaking truth to myself and listening to the still small voice within. I had to honor but reprogram the loud voice within that didn’t want to agree with the still small voice. The first time I looked into the mirror and really looked into my own eyes and said I love you, it felt like a lie. What is there to love I said? I had hundreds of memories that flooded my mind that would prove my accusations. I had shame and anger rise up. Finally I had a deep sadness and grief that rose up in my soul. I looked at the woman in the mirror and the young lady, the teenager, the young girl, the child and I wept. I wept and I had compassion and love for this person I had hidden so long ago. I have since that day many years ago been the advocate, the protection, the understanding and the love that I never experienced from the people in my world. Self love, self acceptance, self honoring all these things have had to become a daily part of my life. I have little by little been able to stand by my own boundaries and protection of my heart. I have lost many relationship and people in my life who do not understand the reasons why. I have made mistakes along the way and have betrayed myself, but the difference is I can give myself the grace and understanding that I never received when I was younger. The difference now is I still have the love for myself without the shame and condemnation. I can live with peace deep within my soul when I make a decision now. I can make a decision and act on it thru the fear. I can look beyond the circumstances in front of me and see multiple solutions rather than what is expected of me only. My health has improved on all levels. I was on 13 medications at one point in my life, now I am not on any daily medication. I still take meds as needed of course but I have healed on many levels. I don’t bleed internally anymore, I sleep better, I am not in as much pain, I am not depressed to where it is impacting my life. I can make boundaries that feel safe to me and not feel fear or guilt. I have freedom in my heart, soul, body and mind now. I want to encourage those of you who have felt you have no power to have your own boundaries that you can change that today. No matter what is happening and who is around you there is always a choice you can make for yourself. Start by looking in the mirror in your eyes and telling yourself that you love yourself. That you are sorry for the things that have hurt you. Be the compassion that you have given to everyone else. Self love is the healing component that will give you the strength to change and grow. In actuality your inner self, your higher self, your spiritual self, the part of you that is connected to something greater and carries the unconditional love more than this earthly realm is what has gotten you thru and up 100% of your worst days. If your reading this now you have overcome and you are still overcoming. Your inner love is waiting for you to accept and acknowledge their existence. Freedom will come when you tap into this part of you. You can rebuild the broken foundations that have been part of your life. If you feel lost right now, look and love within, take that first step towards wholeness and freedom in making your own boundaries and sticking to them.