Fire Within

Those mornings of hope that you wake up to that bring you some sort of closure. The few moments that the sunlight dances on your face. The feel of the cool water that you drink, wishing it would wash away the screaming and the pain inside that you have to hide. Dealing with the deep seated pain of heartbreak alone that it seems the ones you wish noticed or cared in your life is a very hard pill to swallow. But the reality is at the end of the day no one can take this fear, loneliness or pain from you. People can say they understand, but they really don’t. Not because they are cruel or uncaring for the most part but because the pain is an acclimation of all of our experiences and traumas from our life. How can someone who didnt experience your trauma understand? Those instances you just have to say ok well they can’t understand it’s ok. They are just not the person I can lean on. I will give them the parts of me that they can handle and deal with and nothing more. So you accept that person has limitations and your relationship continues on in the capacity that it can endure.

The hardest part is when the people who have experienced the same trauma and experiences don’t understand or say when is it going to be over? When are you going to let it go? When is enough enough? You need to do something to let it go. Well in some cases the only way to let it go is to let it all go. To abandon the ship that you have been trying to navigate thru all of the boulders and scary things in the water. So much of what people see on the surface is a facade. We are like glaciers those of us who have chronic grief, deep pain, confusion, disappointment, anger and depression. 90 percent of what we are carrying is below the surface. You see a pretty striking appearance, but underneath we are screaming. Screaming for someone to really care. Someone to look into our eyes and feel the pain with us. Someone to walk into the fire with us and be willing to get burned and hold us thru the burning. Some people have that, some people don’t. Sometimes you think you have that person or people and then when you try to open up you realize that you so don’t have anything that you thought. Then the embarrassment and shame comes in because you tried to be vulnerable and it didn’t work, it just shot you in the foot. Then the feeling of helplessness and weakness comes on again. The aftermath of that causes more pain, more distance and more confusion. The feeling of being trapped in your own emotional hell. The only way out is to bring yourself out. To nurse your own wounds, to find the tools, resources and love within. You are the one who has been in the fire with yourself. You are the one who has gotten yourself out of bed every morning and kept yourself alive. If you don’t have anyone willing or able, you have to learn to bring your own water to the fire that burns within so deep.