Truth

Interesting how the Lord will open your eyes to the truth when you are ready. The pain and many years of trying to be good enough to have the love and acceptance from the people in my life who are not able to give it have for sure taken a toll. Being in the center of a family trying to keep it together. The truth of the fact that noone has actually seen the real me. Sure the me that is there when you need me. The me that was there when you are hurt. The me that is there when there is a crisis. The me that is there when you need money, time, encouragement, medical help, physical help, psychological help. But not the real me, the me who longs for acceptance and love from those whom I have poured so much into. The me who hoped that what I have done would be returned. The me who longed for someone to really like who I am. The me who longed for someone to see and empathize with my pain. The me who tried so hard for love from family, friends, work associates. Well in this period of my life I asked, really asked to see the truth of my life and how to get these needs met. What i was shown was very insightful and interesting. I was shown that because of my upbringing I have continued to attract and show people in my life that I will be there for you. I will be the helping hand, I will love you unconditionally and my feelings are to be put on the back burner. I have always tried so hard to earn the love and acceptance of those around me that I did whatever was needed to make them feel better. Inside screaming for the same treatment. Inside making reasons why I didnt receive it as my fault. Being too much, as I have been told by countless people. If I voiced my deepest feelings, fears, insecurities I was told I am too much. Told to get over it. Told when I get it together come back. Or not told anything, just abandoned in the relationship. My feelings went unmet, unacknowledged and uncared for. I thought for along time that I was all those things. Then I was shown that many times the relationships that were in my life were primarily one sided. It was me always there, me always trying to keep the peace. Sure I am an amazing mediator. I can see both sides of a situation. I can see the wounding in another persons heart that causes them to act the way they do. I can hear the unspoken pain in another persons eyes. I can say the right things because I feel deeply. Being in a family of addicts my whole life I can see the duality of the family dynamic. After half a century I had to choose between my own sanity and the acceptance of others. To love unconditionally had to be turned inward. I never loved myself unconditionally because I had loved everyone else that way and they couldn’t return it. They found fault, they took advantage, they kept taking. I allowed them to make me feel I was not worthy, not good enough, not worth getting to know the real me. I allowed people in my life to make me feel if I just say the right thing they will love me. If I go along with this situation that I dont agree with, they will love me. If I make excuses and just try to love them harder they will change and I will receive the love and acceptance I have given them. All of this was a lie. I sabotaged my self worth, self esteem, self acceptance. I kept trying and failing in my eyes. In reality I kept sacrificing myself. I was taught to give and give and if I was obedient enough I would be chosen, blessed and honored as I had done. Love and acceptance shouldnt be based in obedience or loyalty. I can only experience the love and acceptance from God showing me who I am to myself, and who I am in spirit. I have to move accept and move away from these barriers of my lifetime. I have had to mourn deeply for the reality of the situation. I have had to lay down my hopes and expectations of those around me and just accept it for what it is. I may never be able to be my true authentic self outside of myself and God. I have to be ok with that. After all we have to learn to be accepting of ourselves first. The good, the bad and the ugly. We have to learn to love ourselves and to grow out of the confusion and insecurity that has been ingrained within us. We have to learn what we truly believe about ourselves and change what we wish to be different. We have to have introspection and the courage to go against what we have been conditioned to believe. We have to find the courage to accept and initiate change. Most times that will mean rocking the boat, upsetting people around us and losing relationships. In all cases changing the relationship within ourselves causes a change in the relationships around us. Some will survive and thrive and some will wither and die. In all cases the grief for what we wished for and didn’t receive has to be felt. The grief for the lost years of truth to ourself. Each relationship has a different grief setup. Each relationship with its unique dynamic and changes will require you to look within your heart in different levels. To really see the layers of that is there. Each relationship will require a different response of truth. After the initial fear has been conquered by courage to be truthful with yourself, the liberation can begin. The freedom of truth to yourself is what will strengthen you and give you an insight to your own needs, wants, desires and love. The first step is accepting that you have been living a lie to yourself and want to see the truth. PRAYER is the bridge, the opening, the way to get a start in your new relationship with yourself. When we pray a bridge opens for venerability and honesty with ourselves and God.