Where To Start

Our parents define who we believe we are as children. They tell us who we are, they react to us in ways that either encourage us or they harm us. We develop and learn and mold into the environment that we are surrounded by. We develop the majority of our personality by the time we are 5 years old. These early years are the foundation for who we feel we are within our hearts, what and who we are. When you begin conception not being wanted the deep seated rejection is woven within. My parents were separated and my mother was on her cycle when I was conceived, according to my father. My parents met in a bar and had a wild ride of a relationship for four years. My father wanted me, I was his only child. My mother wasn’t as excited about the pregnancy. I was her third child and she didn’t have the other two, because they lived with their father. They did reconcile and tried to make it work for awhile, but addiction and all its unpredictability took over. I was raised in homes that were unsafe, not nurturing and unpredictable. I tried to be the good child, I tried to be the helpful one, the attentive one, the easy going one. I learned very early if I wanted to be safe I would be the compliant and easy going child. This behavior didn’t keep me from many instances of abuse. I was emotionally, sexually and physically abused. I wanted to be loved, protected, wanted, respected and cared about by my parents. This is the hope and wish of all children. All babies are born needing their basic needs met and a deep seated need for security and safety. When these needs are met, we grow up with a healthy self worth and love ourselves. When these needs are not met we become ashamed, afraid, angry and confused. We will adapt somehow, someway, some of us shut down our emotions, some become very bitter and angry. I became the caretaker, the reader of emotion, body language, changes in voice fluctuation and the energy of the room. I became an expert in trying to smooth over the storm before it erupted into a tornado. I became a people pleaser. I was a child of addicts. I had to see the destructive patterns I wanted to break in my life. I had to see how the dysfunction I grew up in shaped me. I had to choose to break cycles, to mourn the family I didn’t have and work my hardest to create stability and acceptance in my life. I had to identify the lies and misconceptions I had been taught to believe. I had to change my identity in my own heart. I had to become protective of my heart and soul. I had to find my true self and what I was created and brought here for. I had to choose to love myself. I had to release family members so they didn’t continue to destroy my peace. Now I have to hold onto my peace at all costs. I had to trust in my creator and myself. Even if you have been in a life of crazy, uncertainty, and fear you can still take that first step to freedom. That first step to love yourself. There is so much choice we can make for ourselves. Choice to trust something greater than us to guide and direct us.